The primary goal of our “Mistakes We Make” series is to bring to light simple yet costly mistakes most of us make, and possible solutions that can help us and our loved ones learn, grow, and flourish! In this entry, we are examining: 3 Major Mistakes Parents Make That Can Crush A Child’s Self-Confidence (And How To Counter These Missteps)
Parents, whether you like it or not, you are human and as such, you are going to make mistakes from time to time. Even parents like you who love their children with all their heart and soul will inevitably say or do things that affect their child in negative ways. But, with a little knowledge and a lot of self-awareness, the following mistakes that stifle, suppress, or otherwise crush a growing child’s fragile self-confidence can be avoided.
Confidence-Crushing Mistake #1: Comparisons
Problem: Whether subtle or overt, comparing one child to another not only creates resentment in the child, but it also sets them up to think and believe that they are less than the other child / children. If this belief is not corrected, they will believe they are less than other adults as they grow up. Such a confidence-negating mindset can take hold rather quickly, and once ingrained, it is very difficult to overcome, at any age.
Solution: Instead, compare the child with the child’s own past self, or future self. The confidence that comes from realizing how much one has progressed when compared to the past self, and understanding that they can continue to improve and grow in the future, will carry them through times of self-doubt and insecurity that every child / adolescent will face.
Example: If a child is having difficulty with a new technique or concept, I will highlight the improvement they’ve already made, even if it is minute. Then, if needed, saying something like, “If you keep working on it like this, in a few weeks you are going to be even better at it than you are now,” can provide a massive boost in confidence and self-motivation. And, such consistent, measured, positive feedback and affirmation can help to form the foundation of a more positive, growth-oriented mindset.
Confidence-Crushing Mistake #2: Shielding Child From Failure
Problem: Failing is a part of life and necessary for learning and for personal growth and development. Even if the reasons for shielding a child from every single failure seem right, the unintended negative effects can be devastating and long lasting. Children who are shielded from failing may lack the resilience necessary for dealing with the everyday challenges of adolescence and eventually adulthood. And, in some cases, they may become risk-averse, so afraid of failing that they become unable or unwilling to confront even the easiest of obstacles.
Solution: Share as often as you can how failing (and making mistakes), and learning from your failures, has helped you in the past, and is helping you in the present. You can also provide historic examples of people who succeeded despite, or because of, failure and rejection. Such examples include Thomas Edison, the Wright Brothers, Albert Einstein, Theodor Seuss Giesel, and more recently, J. K. Rowling.
Regularly emphasize how important it is that they allow themselves the grace to make mistakes (naturally, not on purpose), and to be brave enough to fail (again, naturally, not on purpose). Build a family culture where making mistakes and learning from failure is a valid and valuable method for constant improvement and eventual success. By doing so, you will instill in your child the type of gritty confidence that comes from being unafraid to try, fail, learn, and try again.
Example: From time to time, I explain to my students that I used to be afraid of failing and making mistakes in my training until I realized how to use failure and mistakes to improve my skills and techniques and my teaching methods rather quickly. I now take a more “experimental” approach to my training and teaching because I know I will learn more from trying (a new idea for instance) and failing than from allowing fear of failure to keep me from trying at all.
Confidence-Crushing Mistake #3: Allowing Child to Quit Activities Too Soon
Problem: There is a common misunderstanding about the meaning of the difference between the high emotions kids (or adults) feel when they start a new activity, and the lower emotions they feel after a few weeks or months have gone by. Because the excitement and awesome feelings created by starting a new activity usually fades within a couple of months, if not weeks, many kids will decide to quit because they are “just not feeling it anymore.” They give up on the activity too soon, before they are able to make it through that low phase and to the next phase where emotions usually even out and a deeper sense of enjoyment, belonging, accomplishment, and commitment or purpose kicks in.
Though this is normal for a large percentage of kids, and for the most part not something to be too concerned about, if quitting too soon become a habit because of this misunderstanding, it can lead to a lack of commitment and an inability to finish what they start, affecting them even into adulthood. When one is stuck in this mode of operation, confidence in one’s ability to start and finish tasks or projects is compromised, or nonexistent altogether. And this may lead to an even deeper problem: a strong reluctance to make commitments, and / or fear of trying anything new.
Solution: The first step to reducing or solving the occurrence of this issue is to help kids understand that a commitment, even to a fun activity, is about more than just positive feelings. While children should never be forced to continue an activity that is unsafe, or that they absolutely hate, encouraging them to stay with it until they complete a pre-determined duration (weeks, or months) can be very helpful. When they finish the time they’ve committed to, whether they continue the activity or not, they will begin to overcome the reliance on feelings-only motivation and move closer toward disciplined action. Then, as they start and finish more activities, they will develop the confidence that comes from starting and completing a task, even when feelings fade and only discipline and true commitment remains.
Example: I make it a point to emphasize the need to fully commit, and to fully finish simple tasks or big activities. If we’re doing 10 push-ups and a child does only 8, I let them know they have two more to go. If we’re doing 100 punches and a student stops at 99, I remind them that there’s one punch left. Even if we are playing a team or individual challenge game at the end of class and a student stops short of the finish line because someone else has already won, I encourage them to take those last two steps anyway…
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Improving a child’s confidence does not typically result from an overnight miracle but it is the result of consistent, intentional actions and interactions that move the child closer and closer to the goal: strong yet humble self-confidence in oneself and one’s abilities that is not dependent upon the approval of others.
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